Showed up in New Terino port, in need of R&R,
The crew set out investigating every joint and bar.
We had high expectations of their hospitality,
But we found too late it wasn't geared for sailors such as we
Our Captain's tastes are simple, but his methods are complex:
We found him with five partners, each of a different race and sex.
The shore police were on their way, we had no second chance,
We dragged him out in the nick of time, and the remnants of his pants.
Our proper, cool first officer got drunk on something green,
And hooked up with an alley whore for public acts (obscene).
He sobered up once shipboard, and he's none the worse for wear,
Except he's somehow taught our brand new facet how to swear.
Our shipwright, she would yield to none in putting down the brew.
She outdrank seven Royal Marines and a gnoll construction crew.
Our navigator didn't win, but he outdrank almost all,
And now they've got a battle-barge on the roof of City Hall.
Our doctor loves humanity, her private life is quiet;
The shore police arrested her for inciting whores to riot.
We found her in the city jail, broke in and won her free
Intact except for hickies and six kinds of VD.
Our head nurse disappeared to find the local dealers' meet,
Buying a potion known for putting wemics into heat.
She came home with no uniform, and an oddly cheerful heart,
And a painful way of walking with her feet a yard apart.
Our helmsman loves exotic plants; the plants all love him too.
He took some off on leave with him, and we wondered what they'd do,
'till a country noble came to town and swore upon his life
that a gang of plants entwined his house and then seduced his wife.
Our signalman, he went to work with rasp and pick and file,
And broke into the postman's store, with etchings by the pile.
Get written to in Flambard now, and every page or three,
You'll see all kinds of people, clearly in flagrante d.
A crew of pirates landed, but nobody seemed to care,
They stormed into the nearest bar to announce that they were there.
Half our crew were busy inside, and invited them to play.
The pirates took one look at them, then turned and ran away.
Our crew's King Charles's finest, and our record is our pride,
But when we go on leave we make a trail a mile wide.
We're sorry for the wreckage and the riots and the fuss,
At least we're sure that city won't be quick forgetting us!