Saint John: They claim to offer a free tech support service. But if you don't pay, you find yourself on the Book of the Undeserving and you spend five times as long on hold.
Humact: If it won't boot up, they tell you "It died honourably. Don't trouble it further. Buy a new one."
Justice: If you have illegal downloads on your computer, they put a curse on it.
The Light: If you've changed any of the default settings or you're running anything but windows vista, they accuse you of meddling with forces man was not meant to comprehend, and smite you.
Morvana: They fix your computer but they also snoop through your hard drive.
Mallan: "Your computer is weak and pathetic. You need more RAM and a new graphics card."
Vivamort: They can fix your computer no matter what is wrong with it. Corrupt boot sector? No problem. OS riddled with viruses? No problem. Physically fried processor chip? Easy as pie. Your computer might smell a bit funny and run slightly slower afterwards, though...
Azrael: "Clearly, your computer's time has come. Burn it and lay it to rest."
Sordan: They put you on hold and play annoying music at you for hours, then connect you to the wrong department.
Luca: They give you a long list of utterly nonsensical instructions, many of which have nothing whatsoever to do with your computer. For some reason, this fixes your computer.
Bast: Instead of fixing your computer, they play with the mouse and clog the fans with cat hair.
Crofter: They fix your computer, but change your desktop wallpaper to the words PRAISE BE TO CROFTER in 72-point font. Also, they all use laptops - "own no more than you can carry".
OP: Valtiel
Balance: Depending how many other people's computers are broken or working, they either fix your computer perfectly or come round to your house and smash it with a hammer.
Unity: They direct you to a list of warez sites that let you do all sorts of things with your computer you couldn't do before. Unfortunately you also start to find Balance tech support lurking outside your house with hammers and burning torches.