Humour/SettingGuideWallachia

Being an attempt by Corinthus (Ivan) and Porange (Molly) to come to a mutual understanding of their fair homeland. Those of you in the know about Wallachia may wish to correct us in the face. The rest of you can make snarky comments or something, I don't know.

North Wallachia

North Wallachia is a cold harsh land, filled with valleys, forests, and occaisonal villages and castles. The woods are filled with wolves, some undead, and anything else forced to hide from society. The castles are in general occupied by vampires, who oppress the local peoples though their undead hordes, and unpopular policies such as the infamous 'blood tithe'. The people are a stocky folk, built to survive harsh winters, and a good head for drink.

Vampires? Look love, don't you think a vampire would find better ways to spent its unlife than oppressing a few humacti? And you're only opressed 'cause you lot kept kicking off on us just 'cause we were following our religeon properley. But yeah, I'll conceed you have a good head for drink -Molly

It drinks blood, is undead, valks around in evening vear, and doesn't bloody vell stay dead. Vhat do you *Vant* me to call it? You trap the souls of our dead within their bodies, preventing their just release, and expect us not to fight back? The *abomination* to the *true* lord of life and death that is undeath vill be cleansed from the earth! - Ivan

Just 'cause you can't hit something with enough accuracy to kill it doesn't mean it's undead! Also you lot are so lackluster you probably forgot to lay it to rest and someone with an ounce of sense brought them back. As for evenign wear, the Johnite spring ball here must be a hive of vampiric activity! Get to purging it! Also those souls belong to Vivamort, they pay for their entry to the afterlife with a little toil after death. Also "life AND death"? at the same time? Isn't that undeath? -Molly

Life. and. death. Separate, but he rules both of them. Vhat are you, stupid? Vhat is your god but a pervert vith a zombie fetish? The souls of *my people* are not his to take! Their place in the Heaven of our Lord is determined by how they live their lives, and how they meet their deaths. Clearly, your people are sufficiently immoral and stupid that you think they need another go, but seriously, if you didn't impress your foul grave-robber god first time through, how do expect to do so as a *zombie*?

Also, ve know vhat ve are doing vhen it comes to fighting your undead minions. Each and every body receives the sacrement of soul's release, and our lord has, in his wisdom, granted us tools to *tell* when something is undead, thank you very much. So, da, vas undead, in charge, and drank blood. I mean seriously, you must be stupid if you don't think that's a vampire. -Ivan.

So why are you messing with the good Vivamortian undead then? You can't complain about us making your dead a little livlier and more useful if you're making our undead a lot less lively and just cluttering the place up! -Molly

Even if they are Vivamortian, they are still abominations outside the natural order of life and death, you honourless knave. Also, they're used as a tool of oppression and evil, so da, we kill them. or re-kill them. Need better verb for this. - Ivan.

Vandallise? -Molly

You go ahead, keep thinking you're right, little necromancer. I'll enjoy dancing on your grave after I burn you. -Ivan.

What's the point of a grave if you've burnt me? -Molly

You think we're going to keep the ashes? What do think we are, bar- okay, I'm not going to finish that question. New plan. I dance around your funeral pyre, and then scatter your ashes in the river, to the wind, and anyvhere else I think of at the time. - Ivan.

Oh you do spoil me -Molly

Gods, Ivan, I'm sure you've had shorter conversations than this with women you actually slept with. -Natasha

Vell naturally. Those vomen veren't wrong. - Ivan ((on the internet - Corin))

Deluded and desperate maybe, but probably not wrong -Molly XXX

As opposed to deceived, deluded and desperate, which is apparently the only way *you* ever got any. Or did that poor boy *know* vhat you vhere? -Ivan

May your corpse wander the earth under the direction of the debauched lich that spawned you. -Molly

<Incoherent rage and smiting> - Ivan

South Wallachia

Clearly full of southern pansies, da. - Ivan.

You wish! -Molly

Right! As my... Associate... here clearly has no clue what he's talking about I will explain southern Wallachia. It's mostly pastures, hills and velleys and stuff like that, a few woods dotted around. Lots of scattered villages sort of led by elders. Lots of farming about. There was usually a village priest about, ours was a bit dotty but we looked after him. Couple of big cities, lived in one for a while, tend to have a decent sized temple there, bit more organised, city militia more effective than the ones in your village, which usually consist of your dad with a stick and a saucepan on his head. Quite law abiding really, none of the Humacti problems the north has, few scattered incidents though. Oh and the cities tend to have mayors, usually with big chains and a rather good hat. -Molly

So vhat are saying is that, da, the Humacti down south are useless pansies, and the Vivamotians don't face sufficient adversity to tell if they are pansies. (Which vey totally are) - Ivan.

Yeah, pretty much, 'cept that calling a southern vivamortian a pansy would get you a wight to the face -Molly

Not sure about Northern Wallachia but the south definately has a coast. 'Cause there is a lot of seafaring. Large portion of the sailors seem to be runnign away from something, quite often boredom. Fishing, trading, mild acts of Honest Merchenting... Undead crews aren't as common as you'd think though, most can't hack the smell. -Molly

Border on eastern edge of country goes inland from the coast before really gets to north... -Ivan

Most of our Humacti Related incidents involved little gangs of them who came and tried to beat up out priest, I say tried, we looked after our priest, he was the only one who could do zombies, so the humacti tended to regret it.

Beat up? Definately doing it wrong... Correct procedure for necromancer is to cut him down, slice his throat, lay him to rest, and depending on time constraints, drag him away to be burnt. What is this 'beat him up' Nonsense?

Yeah? Well they were rubbish humacti, mostly just ended up in scraps with the local kids. Couple of them cam from good vivamortian homes as well, daft sods were trying adolescent rebellion. Also you are a filthy body burner and your mother licked clean the feet of pastry chefs. -Molly

Am gladly Body Burner, but not filthy. I remember to bathe, unlike your pig-farming father and his blyad mistress, the pizda you call a mother! - Ivan.

Look love, as you pointed out, I am quite familliar with things of the prcine persuasion, and although it grieves me to tell you this, you can't keep calling mud wallowing a bath. -Molly

If had meant 'mud vollowing' vould have *said* 'mud vollowing'. Ve use vater, and soap, like civilised people, or particulary clean Wivamotians. -Ivan.

Oh your words cut me deep love -Molly

Insults

We're famous for two things in Wallachia... Undead and insults. Msot of them don't translate well into common. Your mother was a pastry chef is about as bad as it get. People have been killed over this and wars have been started. It's kind of hard to translate into common. It isn't launderess, whatever anyone thinks though. -Molly

Vhat my... colleague here is failing to explain is that the pastry chef insult is universally an insult, although why is different place to place. Actually in Leibnitz, is not even insult, but no vun really speak to them anyvay. Around my village, is actually pretty close to 'laundress'. Filthier. Nastier acts performed. There is old dialect vhere words sound similar. Maybe became euphemism from there. - Ivan

In some places it's literal. -Molly

Oh go get buggered by a ghoul, vhy don't you? -Ivan

I'm sorry but I just don't find your mother that attractive. -Molly

<Incoherent rage and smiting> - Ivan.

Fighting

Wallachian fighting styles tend towards two themes, 'simple and unsubtle' and 'unfair'. It is an acknowledged duelling style to sneak up behind them, shout "I challenge you to a duel", and kill them to death, and then raise them or burn their corpse, according to taste. This is known as "Marquis de Kustendje Rules", which were originally a list of places that the Marquis was allowed to hit you, but you weren't allowed to hit him, but everyone just uses the rules as they applied to the Marquis. I.e, no rules, to the death.

Yeah, that's about it, if you're a land lubber. Seafaring duelling has 3 rules, one: use insults, no holds barred, two: be flashy, which goes without saying really, 3: cheat, you don't want to lose. More to the humilliation than the death really, but you can go to the detah if you want -Molly

Religion

Naturally the main religion is the worship of the Lord of Life, Death and anything in between, this being Vivamortianism. Only y'know we do it properley, with like and organised church and stuff, not like here. S'got a proper hierarchy in it, but the deal is you get to boss around the lower orders if you out rank them, but you've got a responsibility to them, 'cause one day they might out rank you, so you look after them, make sure they are doing it Right and so on. Also turnign them into disposable undead servants means you quickly run out of them, then you're screwed. -Molly

Especially in the North of the country, where the ordinary people are more thoughly down-trodden, there is strong under-current of Humact vorship, typically manifesting itself as guerilla warfare resistance movement. Due to common habit of cremating their dead to help avoid their corpses being stolen by evil vivamortians, they have come to be known as "Body-burners". This is intended as insult, but is label they now adopt gladly.

Also some scattered Azrealites, but they're *weirdos* and noone really speaks to them much. -Ivan

Yeah, but rather adorable in their conviction -Molly

Did you ever meet the wandering priest, Tarquin Bringer-of-Death? Little wizened chap, had to walk with a cane, ranted a lot. Got spirituall awakened while he was ranting at me about how I was touched by darkness. Anyway he was trying to get up north, soemthign about Upstart Humacti, not sure how far he got. We made sure he had a good square meal before he went, 'cause he gave us a good laugh, you have to admire his force of conviction though. -Molly

Crazy Azrealite? Didn't realise black didn't suit him? Think we might have bumped into him once. Told him not to go that vay. Poor bugger didn't listen, shouted at Count Reushoff. Didn't actually catch his name though. - Ivan

Sounds pretty much like him, sounds like he met a sticky end, least he got north, I thought the wolves would've eaten him. -Molly

Not very far north. Count Reushoff rules just north of Targoviste. I was on vay there at the time, needed to call in a favour. The wolves generally don't go go that far south till the deep winter. -Ivan.

Social Structure

<i>Tends to be a bit matriarchal in a way, I mean, our village was run mainly by the elder, who was a bloke, but we all knew the real runner was the midwife, you didn't cross her. Ever. I tried, still got the scars. The deal with marriage and engagement and stuff is that if you raise them you keep them, you're married or engaged to them until laying to rest does you part. Kidd tend to be named for their father, least in last name if not first. Got confusing with the familly which had 10 generations of Sven Svenson, several of which were undead. We tended to tag our undead with whose they were and their original name, on account of the head stone beign placed before they were laid to rest so the tag made it easier to get them back to their graves. -Molly</i>

Government The south is usually ruled democratically, well, by the highest vivamortian there who wants to, 'cause y'know if they they vote you have to unless you outrank them. Lots of mayors of villages, or elders in some. In my village it was run by the elder, who was some sort of priest of Vivamort. -Molly

In North, villages are run by mayor, who is vhich-ever vivamortian has brown-nosed the local vampires most recently. In practice, most of people actually listen more to the elders, who are occaisonally less bastards. Every couple of Valleys is ruled by a vampire overlord, typically with a title like count. These occaisonally squabble vith each other about who gets to rule other the other wampires. This is known as the Blood Council, if they're being civil, or just a great big fight if they're not. - Ivan.

Traditionally here is where you'd get a peasent uprising, clearly your lot don't have the spark needed for a good uprising -Molly

Traditions

1. Drinking. Lots of Wodka. Because otherwise you face life of grinding oppression from evil wampires sober, and vhere is fun in that?

Pretty much the same in the south, but without the "wampire" overlords. -Molly

2. (If Humacti) Taking oaths very seriously indeed. ((Idea that just popped into my head, feel free to ignore this next bit if you want, fellow humacti players!)) One of the most serious oaths is the "Three-fold Oath", made on one's name, the name of one's father, and one's soul before Humact (may be easily adapted to other gods). Since the second name in the north is typically a patronymic, to break this oath is to lose all rights to both your names, and be damned in the eyes of Humact.

3. Hospitality and food. The peoples of Wallachia tend to view the sharing of food and drink as an important aspect of being social, and those making friends with them will be invited to try their favorite Zakuski (snack or appetizer) and help open this new bottle of wodka. There is no faster way to a Wallachian man's heart than his stomach, or appreciation of his cooking. -Ivan

This would explain why the "wampires" kept getting up again, heart is more easily accessible though ribcage -Molly

Lots of Harvest festivals. And i mean a lot of them... -Molly

Notable Landmarks

In the transition between the deep valleys and high mountains of the north, and the southern low-lands, there sits the city of Targoviste, on the banks of the Lalomita river. This is the cosmopolitian heart of the country, and anything and everything can be traded here. The Blood Council of the north meets with the elected officials of the south here, and presumably squabbles over who's in charge. - Ivan.

Historical Bits

Legends

Not perhaps, old enough to be a "legend" per se, but from the south, and the eastern coastline, drift tales of the Dread Pirate 'Black Molly' Morgagni, who sails a black ship with sails stained red with the blood of her enemies, crewed entirely by the damned. Eight feet tall stands she, with eyes of green fire, lightning crackling in her mouth, and a sword of deepest shadow which drinks the souls of it's victims. No man has looked 'pon her and lived to tell the tale. Most she kills straight off, but pray she not find ye attractive, or she'll throw ye to the squid, to wrestle for her amusement. An' when she grows bored o' that, she'll slaughter you to raise as a zombie sex slave, trapped in skimpy leather till enternity...

I have found voman in Vessex, from old country, who claims to be the Dread Pirate Morgagni. This seems unlikely, vhat vith her being puny, weak and tiny, vith not even one zombie to her name, but she insists it all the same. Maybe she's crazy... -Ivan

I *like* this legend! Always said I had a reputation. The squid pit's new on me though -Molly

While we're on that subject, in the south we used to tell stories featuring a trio of Humacti bandits, pirates, adventurers or mercenries, usually the ineffectual villains in children's stories, usually beatening by a cunning ruse from the protagonist. The long winter evenings just flew by. -Molly

Interesting. That kind of story didn't get told in the north. Shall have to disabuse you of illusions, of course, but vas going to beat you to pulp anyvay... -Ivan.

Wildlife

Wolves, lots of wolves, the lords tend to breed them a bit, good for gettign rid of tresspassers, our local lord kept them 'cause they were atmospheric. Basically freaked the little azraelite priestess he had a bit of a thing for that lived on his land. -Molly

'Questions?'