The Grand Diplomantic Tour of Northern Europe!
Starring His Grace Peter Snipe, Lord Protector of Grantabrugge!
Also featuring!
Evelyn Brightworthy of St John, Sanity and Spiritual Consultant!
Lieutenant Lucille Starshine Rivers, Journeyman Peacekeeper of the Warlocks and the Green (aka Lucie), Good Bodyguard!
Samar'karai'iel, Master Eyeshrouded of the Warlocks and the Dark (aka Sam), Bad Bodyguard!
Or
"What I Did On My Holidays, by Lucie Rivers, age 105 and three quarters"
June 4th 1291
Set off. Hate riding. Hate riding slightly less than being stuck in the coach while some random guard gets to ride. Horse is called "Tulip" but she is actually a vicious bastard. This may not be entirely a bad thing, nasty horses can be persuaded to kick people I don't like. Sam's making it look easy even though I'm fairly sure this time two years ago he'd never been near a horse in his life. Inn isn't too bad. That said, I don't know how much money Snipe's squande.. er, spending on this worthwhile diplomatic tour. It's got a proper mattress and everything, though. And they didn't ask funny questions about why I've got a Drow.
Having to sit astride a horse all day, unfortunately, makes me less than inclined to sit astride anything else. Damn.
June 8th 1291
Boats. Right now all I can think is that they are a less awful mode of transport than horses. Judging by the "fun" the humans are having, being made of water is possibly helping. In that I've been seasick *less* than them...
June 11th 1291
Gaul is pretty like Albion, really. Hasn't changed much since I was last here despite the change of rule. Nobody's complained at us about their Albion oppressors or the King yet. Beds in decent inn acquired by Snipe talking loudly and slowly in schoolboy Tengwar. Dear me.
June 18th 1291
Today we met the Regent, John Devlynsson. There've been hot baths here and everything, which makes a change. His wife used to be Master Fire, of course, so there's been some catching up and finally an opportunity to speak pyrokin to someone again, even if she is human and can't quite get the words out right. And she knew Mother so didn't even ask awkward questions. Well. Not about that.
There's been some diplomacy between Devlynsson and Snipe. They seem to be getting on all right. Lots of knowing looks. And he saw right through our exotic bodyguard act too, which I was rather relieved about. Wouldn't want someone who didn't in charge of a whole province. He's got nice eyes, too.
Also, I haven't been on a horse today. Hurrah. I think Sam was quietly pleased about this too.
June 20th 1291
Back on the road. First crap bandits of the journey. Apparently a lone woman just outside a stable requires three muggers. It seems that they would have in fact required at least four, although one of them did most of the work for me when I repelled him hard into a tree and he didn't get up again. Was a good fight, though. Got to work off some frustration. Off for a pint or three now- beer's still a bit crap here but we're getting decently close to Teutonia now.
June 23rd 1291
Crossed the Teutonian border today. Child of the Light guards meeting "coloured" bodyguard by which they mean Drow caused some "fun" as predicted. Sam just smiled politely at them. I don't know how he does it.
June 24th 1291
There seems to have been some sort of volcanic explosion in the south. The sky in that direction turned black, despite it not being much past midday, and some people swear they saw flame falling from the sky. Mary is not responding to Planar Speech messages. I fear for the lives of the people we sent from Grantabrugge, and assume many locals are dead. Now let's just hope that the protection of innocents the Children of the Light promise will actually do some good...
Peter wants to push on east to see the local rulers. Not my place to disagree, and the Lightists probably won't want a couple of elves messing around anyway. We may circle south on the way back.
June 26th 1291
Reports and rumours trickling in of a magical explosion. Still no response from Mary. I am assuming the worst. Not getting to go to the diplomatic meetings any more. Bloody Lightists.
June 28th 1291
Today we met a very crap bandit. There was one of him and the sounds of several others running away when they discovered they were trying to hold up two very large horses covered in weapons, regardless of who was riding them. Tulip kicked him in the crotch. 4-0 to us. I'm getting to like Tulip a bit better.
July 1st 1291
We're turning back and leaving the rest of Snipe's entourage to it. He'll be gone until the spring, he reckons, and I want to be back by September. We're out of Lightist-controlled lands now and are hearing stories of woods and monsters and things that go graaargh in the night. Sounds fun.
July 5th 1291
Anonymity is bloody fantastic. People are just calling me Lucie. None of that Lt Rivers crap. And they don't know my full name is Lucille. No monsters yet. The people here speak Common, although with a strange accent. There's even a few elves around, although they're very wary of the Children of the Light just over the border in Teutonia. Sam is... a lot more relaxed. Which is nice.
Evelyn buggered off to look at temples. We're going to meet him at the Teutonian border in a week.
July 6th 1291
7pm We're in a pleasant market town called Artewald. Well. It's pleasant during the day. We've been warned not to go out late at night because of some kind of... well, I'm fairly sure it's nothing I've ever seen before, but it's got teeth and terrorises people and may possibly be some sort of undead. Bloody religion. Still, I guess there won't be any late-night muggers here. Unless it's a ruse thought up by late-night muggers to keep all but the most desperate off the streets. I think we may be going to go out late at night.
1.00am Well, we went out late at night. It was large, it had teeth, and it did try quite hard to terrorise us. Shame (for it) that spiritual wounds are a bit crap on elves really, and I had a shining white sword of magical wonder. Or something. The townspeople were a bit suspicious of it.
Anyway, I kept it busy while Sam clonked it hard over the ... well, it was probably its head. I don't think it's coming back. I don't think we're coming back either, because although everyone was very grateful indeed for the mysterious funny-coloured strangers with the glowing weapons, they asked us very politely indeed to leave at dawn. Er. Thankyouverymuch.
5-0 to us. I think.
July 8th 1291
Found a hot spring today. We didn't travel very far...
July 11th 1291
Heading back into Teutonia. The village we're in is full of refugees from the south and stories of widespread destruction, flaming rocks from the sky, etc. Apparently some very important Children of the Light might be... no longer with us. Oh the irony. I've already given one family my spare cloak and another a shirt and some socks, and don't really have much else spare. We were travelling light as it is.
I fear our trip back through Teutonia will be unpleasant at best.
July 14th 1291
More villages and towns with refugees in. Down another pair of socks, and I sold a bracelet to a complete bastard of a travelling merchant who wanted to screw me over but got "asked very nicely" not to. The money won't go far but it's better than nothing. Evelyn is very popular with the villagers, funnily enough.
Two more bandits, presumably taking advantage of the extra population. Too bad they didn't see the Drow in the dark. 7-0.
July 15th 1291
10am We're going to turn South and see if there's anything more we can do. Right now these people need all the help they can get, and we can at least stop them killing each other for a bit...
4pm We're not going to turn South after all. The Children of the Light apparently have everything under control and don't need or want our kind here. They felt the need to say so with six reasonably well-trained spearmen who really could have been doing something *useful* with their time. We're not going to push it- there's plenty we can be doing in these outlying towns on the way home. But if they're desperate enough for help that they accept it from a Drow, then what must it be like further south... no. I'm not going to think about it. We can only be in one place at a time, and our city needs us too.
11pm. 8-0, and tomorrow someone in the next village we come to is going to benefit from the little fuck's boots. So much for a holiday.
July 19th 1291
We've passed through a string of towns and villages and it's the same story everywhere- refugees, shortness of food and clothes but not to emergency levels.. yet. And knowledge that they were the lucky ones, which almost makes it worse.
We're obviously distrusted by the Children of the Light, but these ones are pragmatic enough to cope with the weird coloured people because it's slightly better than not doing. Evelyn's doing most of the talking. We're just exotic bodyguards. Honest.
Being an actual exotic bodyguard for some slightly perverted rich bastard paid much better than this.
Still. We'll hit Gaul fairly soon. We've done what we could, and I want some relaxing time.
July 24th 1291
Gaul! No more Lightist government! Sam's only slightly evil now! Or something. Evelyn's buggered off to look at temples again. Muttered something about giving us time to ourselves. We celebrated by having an unfair fight- four bandits against the two of us, on foot. It turns out there was a fifth, but Tulip stood on her.
Local law enforcement has seriously cute sergeant. We compared notes a bit- his Tengwar is pretty good. And then had a couple of pints, for certain values of a couple. And then went our separate ways to different beds. Thank you very much.
13-0.
July 27th 1291
Got thrown out of our first inn today! All I did was pinch Sam's bum while the owner was watching. But, apparently, he doesn't want perverts here. I asked about the whore in the corner of the bar and didn't get an answer. Clearly she was an acceptable sort of pervert.
Tulip bit a stablehand on the way out.
August 1st 1291
This almost feels like a proper holiday now, there are mountains and pretty views and everything. Even hardened world-savers need a break, or something.
I.. think I've got a bit more used to being on a horse all day. Which isn't to say I like it. Or Tulip.
August 4th 1291
I feel dirty.
We met up with Evelyn and the lads in this town which obviously only exists because it's a transport hub- seriously, there is this big coaching inn and bugger all else apart from fields, more fields and guess what, fields. It started badly when Tulip took offence to the blacksmith and then got much, much worse when we got in the inn and asked for rooms and got the reply
"'Oo's gonna vouch for the Drow then?"
I had my hand on my sword. I looked at the inkeeper. I drew myself up to my full height of.. er, five foot three, but it's the thought that counts.
He looked at me, and tapped his foot. He can't be too careful, he says. Lots of lawlessness in these parts.
I considered my options. I know there isn't any civilisation closer than twenty miles. Just vineyards. It was Too Damn Hot. Still is. I gave in.
Fine, I said. He's mine. He doesn't break things unless he's asked, do you Sam?
And he looked at the floor and completely impassively said no, Lucie, he doesn't, and I died a little inside.
We got rooms. I hope my apology kept the little bastard awake.
August 7th 1291
[this entry in quite wobbly writing]
It is my birthday! I am 106 today!
We celebrated by being thrown out of an inn but it got better as this area grows a lot of wine and we found another inn and there was lots and lots of verrry nice wine. I kind of lost count of how many glasses, then I confused the innkeeper by still being able to walk straight. Was fun.
Bed now.
August 14th 1291
Well that was a fun week. Much more like a holiday. No bandits, no trouble, no more than a few funny looks. Tulip has been surprisingly docile, I am getting suspicious of her.
I met the merchant who sold Arthur my obscene earrings and got something even better. Haven't shown it to Sam yet in case he kills me...
We should hit the coast tomorrow. I may have to re-evaluate my relative opinions of horses and boats as evil methods of transport.
August 16th 1291
Well. I wasn't expecting that. We got on a perfectly normal merchant ship- no fuss about the elven weirdos sharing a bed as there weren't enough beds not to. Which was nice.
And then at dawn there was a yell and we got up to discover we were being chased down by pirates, of all things. I began to wonder if there was some fun to be had. With the two of us, Evelyn, and a couple of guards who turned back with us, we could clearly win this one. Things started looking even better when I discovered the other passengers were four Wessex soldiers, and then the crew suddenly started looking distinctly armed and dangerous too.
Turns out that fighting on board ship isn't that much different from on dry land really except it turns out that if you burn all your mana Repelling people standing on the very edge of the ship, they fall into the sea. Oops.
Been a while since I commanded a fight like that. Was fun. Should do it again some time. Maybe not for a while though.
We took a few prisoners, and were only a couple of hours offshore so the King's Navy is sending a ship out to mop them up.
On the minus side, it means sticking around here for a couple of days to testify against them. Bah. Still, 18-0, even if you only count the ones we brought back. Well. Maybe 18-1/2 as one of the lads lost an arm. Evelyn assures me it'll grow back through the power of St John.
August 20th 1291
Londinium! Can be guaranteed a comfortable bed here after last time when I spent a happy evening feeding some local green mages my "home made" cider. They were very glad to see me and made suitably ribald jokes about me turning up with a Drow. There was much cider. Hurrah! I may have invited them up to visit Grantabrugge and see our esteemed college of water magic or something else that probably sounded better when I was drunk.
August 24th 1291
Home! To a bursting full in-tray and far too many verbal reports. On the plus side, several people who were... quite pleased to see me.
All in all, it could have been a lot worse.