CLSWiki: Jim/ThingsJimCanNoLongerDoInLarp

Things Jim Should Not Do In Larp Anymore. (in the spirit of the Mr Welch/Skippy?'s lists, other people are to blame for some of these too)

The SILENCE effect should be IC in nature, not a result of my sleazy vocal disturbing the target's player into mute despair.
My character may not encounter his own Alias in downtime.
Nor may he do so in the bar.
Nobody needs to know the reason why my expert archer has a Background Skill in "Tight Tights"
On a similar note, regardless of how comically large the cricket box is, it may not be counted as leg armour.
No breaking the plot by setting the next five encounters on fire using rum.
Putting a turnip sack over the siege weapon is no subtitute for the Camouflage skill.
You can't really beat dents out of armour with an axe, especially if it's a 42" weapon and your PC is a Kender.
Not allowed to roger the Witch Queen with a crossbow butt just because she's only appearing as a projection.
If none of the refs know who put the food there, it's probably not poisoned IC. What it is OC is another matter.
When the Warlock asks you to cut the arms off the zombie it's to stop it regenerating, not because he wants them as a souvenir.
If the other characters are charging valiantly out the door to pursue the thief, I need not burst valiantly out of the privy window.
When my Alchemist notices two characters stuck to each other with Glue, the correct skill tree to use is "Alchemy: Create alchemical solvent" not "Warrior: SINGLE by Battleaxe"
The undead horde may not spontaneously decide to form a power-metal band.
Even if it *is* uncored and throwsafe, a rat does not have a damage call above NOTHING. Nor do croissants.
Yes, elemental elves' "bodily fluids" turn into that element. No, we do not need to know how your Pyrokin lights his cigarettes.
While Gaelic songs and war dancing does add a certain flair to an encounter with Hibernian cultists, the effect is lessened slightly if it's obvious they're just doing the Hokey Cokey.
If your two characters are sneaking into each other's rooms at night to study magic, you should expect it to mess with players' sense of reality when you both go back to the same college room after an Interactive dressed as those PCs.
Regardless of how often the ritual circle blows up, I am not allowed to sell defensive alchemy as "Ritualin(TM)".
If able to recruit one of a player's PCs as a publicist I will choose the sneaky merchant, not the drunken goon.
If a PC has had his hands replaced by five-inch claws, he probably doesn't have a bright future ahead of him as a surgeon.
Not allowed to greet new players stroking my beard and cackling "Fresh Meat for the grinder!"
Dual-wielding a flamethrower and a sword does not make me a Sister of Battle and there are no Power Armours in Maelstrom. (Because no-one researched them. --MC)
Feeding Kender Alchemical Stimulant is big and clever.
Swog physreps are not appropriate dress for the Fresher's Fair recruitment stall.
Never again must any PCs sexual organs be replaced with a snake in uptime. Even because Carthage.
Swogs! The Musical is not an appropriate linear plan.
Not allowed to scare people towards our Fresher's fair stall by putting someone in truly freakish makeup at the other end of the hall.
IC bandits may not wear sarapes and false moustaches, and speak with terrible Andalucian accents.
Any time the Head Ref has been drinking the answer to Jim's idea is always No. Especially when it sounds like Yes.
The physrep for Dwarves in TT is horns or silver rectangles on cheekbones. Not edible gold spraypaint on cheeks and nipples.
To clarify on the above, gilding your nipples does not let you call MASS DOUBLE STUN in any system, even if there are two of them and they are indeed stunning.
Swogs! The Musical may have turned out to be a hilarious Interactive encounter, but it does not change point 27.
When someone is playing a secret Vivamortian, check hearing aids are turned up BEFORE asking them OC "ALRIGHT WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH THE OTHER SECRET VIVAMORTIAN?"
Don't post on this list about secret Vivamortians.
No more Balance vs Vivamort Zombie Dance-Offs.
An official stamp for Council documents is a cool idea. Carving it out of a carrot is... Well turns out I am allowed to do this, and then stamp a kender.
"When there's something strange, in the neighbourhood, who you gonna call? HUMACTI!" is not an official hymn of a Knightly order of Humact, nor will it ever be.
There will be no Steampunk Unicorn player race, the package is not 151 XP and the physrep is not cogs glued to the butt.
Must not greet new players while dressed for an encounter as a Launderer NPC in a red velvet cape and no shirt. It disconcerts them.
The boulder possessed by a spirit of Azrael is not technically "An Angel In A Hamsterball"
Must not test the ability of the bar to cope with a determined and powerful assault force by uttering the words "HAMSTER LEGION, ATTACK!" and letting Consequences roll out.
Statting a zombie waving a revolutionary flag at the barricade is appropriate and thematic. Having it groan stirring anthems of freedom is shattering Rule 7 into tiny pieces.
The only people who need to know the rules calls you make as Smut Ref are in fact the players who sent in the sleazy downtime. The other refs will thank you for their ignorance of your decisions.
Players appreciate it when you tell them the room they are in is full of bodies and the zombies are not in fact buried under the upper floor of the building somehow.
Should not act so manic and gibbering as your Carthaginian that people ask OC if you have overdone the coffee again.
If you are making more money selling your hardskill Terrible Smut Writing skills as opposed to your Valuable Economic Rituals, something may be wrong with the economy.
A sniper rifle is not an assault weapon, even if you bolt a grenade launcher to it.
Must not explain that the Phallic-Looking Wand is physrepping a truncheon for keeping discipline in the Navy by hitting another player with it and shouting DISCIPLINE!
Do not sing the King's Stoke Tower Song while flashing your Heraldric Underpants to the guests of a fancy party.
Not allowed to play a Urizen Spire from Spiral who stare at ammonite fossils every time they want to meditate on something and make increasingly blatant Twitch Plays Pokemon references.
1. Halcyon now has a spiral fossil as a focus for Signs and Portents. --Nyeti
"Improvised winter ritual to VENOM someone" is not the vocal for the Spell "Summon Tea Kew".
1. Err, I'm pretty sure it is. ;-p --Drac
2. Not if I get there first. --I
3. Afraid she did, appearing behind me with a menacing leer and cheery "Hello!" when I suggested it as a way to cure a TW. --Jim
If the cackling Winter Ritualist doesn't know the emergency potion we gave her would let her do a new and interesting curse, it is to everyone's benefit that she remains ignorant of this fact.
No more paying for military assistance with "A stack of dirty pictures".
I cannot make every decision for my Varushkan Warden monster-hunter as "What would Sam Winchester do?"
1. Kelpie wishes to disagree with this, and is willing to play the accompanying Warden with "What would Dean Winchester do?"
Not allowed to steal the beer mugs and turn them into mind-altering holy relics.
Must not punish the priestess for her stupid looting by declaring it "Amateur hour" and asking passersby to perform the surgery under instruction.
No more locating the hidden undead by stabbing everyone and seeing who I can actually heal.
Just because the Pokemon theme song starts "I want to be the very best" does not make it a valid Hymn of Ambition at Empire.
Not allowed to use git as a means of physrepping time travel and alternate futures in a larp.
Not allowed to compound the horror by drunkenly writing a custom Perl app as the interface for the Time Machine.
I must not turn astronomantic phenomena into a "Things Your Gran says" contest.
Voice for the Dead is neither to be used to get the last word in, nor for performing elaborate and cruel pranks on departed enemies. Even if you're getting the Navarri to do it.
If we need a combat encounter, cannot immediately suggest cocaine-fueled velociraptors.
1. And why the hell not --Hark
No more inventing controversial religious figures like Saint Bjorn the Murderous, it just encourages the other refs.
Just because I am selling a LARGE HAM does not mean my NPC has to reach 11 on the Shatner-o-meter.
Not allowed to explain the plot to an NPC by singing a duet of the Time Warp at him, even if it is a valid explanation.
No trying to fix possessed nihilists by infecting them with sadness.
My faction is limited to solving one plot per event via dance-off.
Weddings are for churches, not battlefields. Especially not 50m from a charging enemy vanguard.
Cannot use I LIVE! I DIE! I LIVE AGAIN! as the motto for a Draughir group at Empire, even though the religion is reincarnation based.
They are double not allowed to use the metallic +1 Autumn Lore potion by wiping it on their faces before doing something suicidally reckless.
1. Or use the Urizen hearth magic of witnessing, I suppose :P --Nyeti
My Militiaman is not allowed to drag a bench and improvised cushions through the middle of the Empire's biggest murder trial in 3 years, just so he can set up a Naga Pile at the door.
My PC must not explain his lateness to a funeral by pointing out "he's not getting any more alive in the next 10 minutes". Especially when he's the priest performing said funeral.
Any "minor healing ritual" that requires enough power to magically nuke the entire territory twice over is automatically vetoed.
Must not attach magical artefacts to ugly hats just so I can persuade the Conclave to Interdict said offensive headgear.
If I have declared my PC to be living the buddy cop trope, he is to spend the day before his retirement under armed guard in case of Cliche Plot Death.
I must always remember to remove my ref jacket before monstering a system without invisible things.
Not allowed to describe the church of Aspirant as "Social Justice Necromancers".
I am not the Spirit of Bloodmas Present, Bloodmas is not a real holiday, and dispensing fake blood does not need its own holiday traditions.
Varushka is not just "The darkest, most blood-soaked episode of Scooby-Doo ever".
The Bad Dragon is not the Thule's finest immortal Sorcerer Artisan, and they do not specialise in devastating mage rods.
Nor are they an Autumn ritualist with Timeless Hammer Rhythm so that they can hammer more rods each season.
I am no longer permitted to only froth about IC theology in Abraxian heptameter.
Not allowed to mutate the other PCs's noses so that they can analyse magic by snorting it.
No more exposing the Demon Cultists by cursing them with obscene graffiti.
If I'm making a lich burst into tears, I should reconsider my attempts at diplomacy.
Becoming an Inquisitor does not require my PC to purchase a gigantic broad-brimmed hat, no matter what Dave P tells me.
I may no longer respond to annoying Conclave speakers by locking eyes with them and loudly crunching popcorn.
No more using necromantic rituals to cheat at pub contests.
Not allowed to hire a bard to provide comedy backing music to tournaments.
Missions to capture dangerous sorcerers should not show up with beer and singsongs.
I am pre-emptively banned from any monster requiring a larp-safe padded butt as a physrep.
May not hire passing bards to play bawdy backing music to accompany a street brawl.
No more explaining the chain of diplomatic accountability re Eternals with "Your circus, your giant fish-shaped monkey". Especially in front of the relevant Herald.
I cannot found a paladin order purely to piss off an existing one by being darker and edgier.
No more using horribly cursed magical spong just in order to get a nice cup of tea and a sit down.
Appropriate headgear for discussions on the production of holy drugs does not include "A creepy unicorn mask"
If I am not sure how to gain some knowledge, cannot just photocopy half of another PC's mind to get hold of it.
Carapace armour and bionics are no excuse for point-blank hand-grenade fights.
Not allowed to use Fear Magic to invent a new 12-step sobriety program summarised as "Large steps, away from the drugs, while screaming".
Plan B should not automatically involve Hallowed glove puppets.
My Hallowed glove puppet cannot be called Warrant Officer Poppet and does not outrank Militia members.
No more summarising Sevenfold Path plans as "The Cursing will continue until morale improves".
If I can't think of 30s of healing vocals, I shall not resort to a song comparing Spring Magic to orgies.
No more using Swift Heal on annoying people purely as an excuse to whack them with a stick.
Appropriate mine-clearance equipment is not "My spoon, a revolver, carapace armour and Faith In the Emperor".
I must stop carrying a flask of beer around purely so I can ask other people to "hold my beer" while I cast rituals.
First dates should not involve selling out your date's fiance to Temeschwari bounty hunters.
No more alerting the PCs to the plot NPC by having someone lob bricks at them.
No more starting discussions with 'SO, POISONS!' in front of Magistrates just to see if they're paying attention.
Not allowed to weaponise my hearing impairment to hurt Raff by showing up to Dawn as a Deaf Knight.
The end boss of my plotline may not be physrepped by a rubber Margaret Thatcher mask re-sprayed with grey paint and given glowing eyes.
My PC may not respond to losing an Imperial position by moonwalking through the Hub singing "It's not my problem any more!".
Not allowed to summon a murder victim back for a seance by taking the piss out of him, and then immediately try to scare the ghost.
No more making deals where you end up owing an eternal a 10% cut of a bad joke.
Not allowed to terrify the Belgians with Mr. Blobby.
Plan B is not automatically "Twice as many sad singing ghosts as plan A"