As a tribute* to the sort of systems with 30 years of built up rules, secret calls etc, I present MUNCHKIN LRP.
The game where you immersively experience the joy of being a terrible roleplayer in a really complicated system that was written by a complete tool.
*(Profanity-laden casual mockery)
Basic Skills
- Every PC has one body hit, one armour hit, one floating armour hit and one natural armour point.
- Each of these absorbs one point of damage.
- Some scrubs would claim this means you have 4 Hits. This is completely different to that.
- If you run out of Hits, you should fall over and count 60 seconds. At that point your PC is dead. GET REKT.
- By holding both hands on a Dying PC, you can extend their bleed count by up to 30 minutes (60 if they are a Dwarf). You have to stay holding their organs in, scrub. No slapping them and wandering off.
- If it looks safe enough you're in danger of ROLEPLAY breaking out, you can call CURE ALL on a dying PC so that you can get on to the next fight.
- You get all your sorts of Hits back once there's enough time to be bored.
- You call ROLEPLAY with any weapon. If you hit anyone with a weapon you are not proficient in, lose one hit and drop the weapon.
- You can use a weapon up to 18" long for SINGLE.
- Don't hit people more often than once a second, it's a weapon not a fucking maraca.
- If you've got some sort of powers, they recharge once a fight or scene is over. A Scene is considered to be over once you have sufficient time to start a furious OC argument over the rules.
Calls
If someone yells one of these words at you when they hit you, or identifies your stupid face and yells the word, DO THE THING IT SAYS.
- SINGLE- Does a point of damage. Doesn't need to be called if you have some actual roleplay to do. But like, yell it every so often when you hit for MORE IMMERSION.
- DOUBLE: Does two points of damage. We hope you can count up to two.
- TRIPLE/SHANK/VENOM/FLAME/TOXIC/BEES/SMITE/HOLY/UNHOLY/ICE - All of these do three points of damage.
- ROLEPLAY - Deal zero damage. If a player attempts to ROLEPLAY at you, you may respond with DERISION (which does three points of damage).
- REPEL - Flee from the source of the call for 5 seconds.
- SHATNER! - Yourself and the user of the SHATNER call should engage in super hammy "heroic" fighting until the combat ends or one of you is downed. Call RESIST to any calls from other targets during this SHATNER FIGHT.
- STRIKEDOWN - Fall over, dammit.
- STUN - Spend a couple of seconds remembering what the STUN call does in this system.
- SLAY - Every character has some flanged immunity to SLAY, but you'll need to take 5 seconds thinking hard to remember what that is. One hand should be on your chin in the proper "thinking hard" position.
- MASS: Hits everyone in a 5 meter range or is it 10m? Probably take it. You may delineate an area with JAZZ HANDS.
- BULLSHIT - Denotes some bullshit effect. Obey the instruction following this. You may not call BULLSHIT to something mid-combat.
- DODGE/NOPE/LUCKY/RESIST - It didn't work because of some damn flange.
- CURE X - Hooray your numbers go up. Get a sickening feeling of satisfaction and gain that many Hits, spread across body Hits, Natural Armour and all that nonsense.
- CUT THAT OUT! - Ref call. Cease your tiresome rules bickering, the narg gods are satisified, MOVE ON, NEW ENCOUNTER.
- TIME FREEZE - Eyes closed, fingers in ears, stop roleplaying (Not that you ever were, scrubs). Refs are about to ruin your day with an unkillable ego-trip NPC.
- STOP THE GAME - Oh gods, we've had to use the one serious call in this thing. Stop. Right now. Game's paused, something serious happened. Probably dropped glasses, maybe an injury.
- If in doubt as to what a call means, take it as SLAY, or three points of damage. Ugh, what am I, your mum? ROLEPLAY IT.
Character Generation
You have 160 XP. You must pick a Class, a Race and at least one Skill.
- Each Class costs 50 XP.
- Each racial package costs 50XP.
- Skills cost 25XP each.
Wizzard:
- You cannot wear armour, because that would spoil the line of your robes or some such shit.
- You can cast three MAGIC SPELLZ per combat.
- Yell about 10 syllables of mystic blather to cast a spell.
- You must have one hand spare to fiddle with your invisible wizard parts.
- We tried words, but then realised "Grandiloquent" and "zap" were both words, so people just yelled "zapzapzap...".
- A MAGIC SPELL can do one of:
- TRIPLE, TOXIC, BEES or any of that shit.
- REPEL.
- MASS STUN.
- You own a Magic Sword up to 42". You may call SINGLE with that sword.
- If it's not sword shaped that just means its Extra fucking magic as it's shape-shifting. You scrub.
- If you lose your Magic Sword, you're back to knives, idiot.
Rouge... Rog...? Uh STABBY BASTARD:
- Your class, as is traditional, sucks. Your class in fact sucks so hard that once per fight you may call SLAY as you attempt to bore an enemy to death with how much this sucks. You should then proceed to knife them in the back.
- You can wear LIGHT ARMOUR. Gain one extra Armour Hit when wearing armour made of leather, cloth, dead ferrets, cardboard, whatever.
- You can call DODGE or LUCKY to a single call per combat.
- Once per fight, if you get behind someone you can call SHANK if you hit them in the back.
- You can use weapons up to 36" long. You can use two at once if you like. This lets you suck with both hands.
- You can also use a crappy little shield up to 15" wide, because REAL LARPERS use big shields.
- You can lob larpsafe shuriken, half-bricks, etc for SINGLE.
Clanky Fucker:
- You can wear HEAVY ARMOUR. Gain Two extra Armour Hits when wearing armour, and one Natural Armour point. Occasionally complain about how heavy your armour is.
- At least one bit of HEAVY ARMOUR should look shiny. I dunno, glue some tinfoil to it.
- You can use a shield or a polearm or a 42" rapier or a massive hammer or whatever. If it's larpsafe you can use it as a weapon.
- This also goes for larpsafe halfbricks, javelins, tomatoes and crap like that.
- Oh yeah, and you can whack someone for DOUBLE twice per combat like the dumb thug you are. Warriors love DOUBLE.
God-Botherer
- You can bother gods until they give you Prayers so you cut that damn whining out.
- You get two Prayers per combat.
- Beseech whatever god you like with about 10 syllables of sycophantic grovelling to cast a prayer.
- You need one hand free to flip off unbelievers.
- Prayers can do the following:
- CURE 3 at poking range.
- BULLSHIT: Give me that at poking range.
- SMITE by melee blow.
- You can wear LIGHT ARMOUR. Gain one extra Armour Hit when wearing armour made of leather, cloth, dead heretics, cardboard, HOLY PAULDRONS, whatever.
- You own a Holy Blunt Weapon up to 42".
- You may call SINGLE with that weapon.
- Knives and shit like that have blunt sides, so you can argue that's fine. You scrub.
- If you lose your Holy Blunt Weapon, you're back to knives, idiot.
Race
Only elves and drow may wear hats. Anyone else wearing hats is a DIRTY CHEAT (or disguised as an elf).
Human
- Chug-A-Lug: You are a mercenary with a mysterious past. IT'S CULTURAL. Once per fight, you may swig from a "poorly disguised can of beer" physrep in order to restore 3 Hits.
Dwarf
- Wear a crappy false beard.
- Low Blow: You are suspiciously tall for a dwarf. To allay suspicion, once per fight, you may call SMITE on a blow that hits the enemy in the legs.
Elf:
- Wear a hat. Preferably over your ears, but who cares?
- Mystic Fuckery: Elves are just BETTER at being wizards. You get an extra Magic Spell if your Class is Wizard.
- Not a Wizard? What sort of powergamer even ARE you. Go cry in a corner, wanna-Galadriel.
- OK fine. You get to call STUN at range once per fight. Let's call it a Consolation Cantrip.
Drow:
- You should have some sort of purple design on your face, and a hat or bandana. Don't wear pointy ears, everyone forgets them.
- Oh Woe is Drow: Once per fight you may either complain about how you are the ONE GOOD DROW or how much of a TERRIBLE IDEA drow originally were. Either way, call REPEL as the target of your diatribe flees in horror.
Cat person:
- Cat ears. Or cat face.
- SO ADORABLE: Once per encounter, you may put your hands under your chin like little kitty paws and call "BULLSHIT: You may not attack me until I damage you" or "BULLSHIT: Give me that X" at any range you like.
- This requires both hands to be empty so you can kitty-paws properly, you disgusting little munchkin.
- I don't care if it's OP. The head ref likes cats.
Halfling
- Speak with an terribly unconvincing West Country accent occasionally, just like Master Frodo. Or wear lots and lots of rings. Halflings love rings.
- Thieving Little Prick: Once per fight you may steal a Dead or Dying character's wallet with a couple of seconds of looting, and find one of the following:
- Out of Date Healing Potion: CURE 3 once, only useful this fight.
- Ring of Invisibility: You may put your hand in the air and call NOPE to the next call that hits you.
- Your Spine: You may immediately call SHATNER on one enemy.
Skills
Half-Whatever:
- You are the mother of all "YOUR DAD" jokes. Pick another different racial ability, you may use that once per fight. Wear half of, or both of, each racial physrep.
Totes Legit Flaw:
- You are allergic to uranium, dinosaurs, .50cal rounds or something else that is never going to come up in play. Once per fight you may call NOPE to a call that hits you, and explain "Phew! At least it wasn't (Allergen)".
Reluctant Healer:
- Someone dragged you along as their personal IC box of plasters. Ugh. You though this was going to be Download Festival or some shit. Once per fight, spend I dunno, 5 seconds prodding someone half-assedly and call CURE 3. If they're bleeding to death, I guess you can call CURE 1 on them with 10 seconds of halfassed prodding too.
Twelve Kilos of Cured Pork
- Given appropriate roleplay of some bollocks like "YOU KILLED MY FATHER, PREPARE TO DIE!", you may call SHATNER at one enemy, once per fight. Try to remember you can have at maximum two fathers.
Archery
- You can use some sort of bent stick to lob other sticks. They do SINGLE.
- If you hit someone, you may call SLAY and spend the next 5 seconds whining about how LRP archery is crap. This doesn't prevent you from shooting the victim some more.
Cold Iron Backstory
- You wrote some OP bullshit into your backstory. The refs didn't read it because we were too busy drinking cheap Scotch.
- Once per fight, you can get up off the floor on 3 Hits because whatever stupid Mary Sue buffs you have meant the stabbing didn't work.
- You should declaim your unique and tragic backstory as you haul your worthless carcass up.
Dirty Multiclasser
- You can pick this more than once if you're a flaming minmaxer.
- You can't pick the same option twice.
- Pick one of the following:
- +1 Natural Armour and +1 Body hits. (Not available if Warrior)
- Cast a Spell once per Combat. (Not available if Wizard)
- Cast a Prayer once per combat. This probably makes you some pauldron-covered paladin. (Not available if God-Botherer)
- +1 Armour. Call SHANK from behind with a 36" or shorter weapon once per combat (Not available if Rogue)
Quarterstaff Use
- You may use a Staff up to 7' long.
- If you happen to have some sort of pointy metal thing on your "staff", that's fine too. Still a Staff, innit?
Ritual Magic
- You need the ability to cast Spells or Prayers.
- That means you have to be a Cleric, God-Botherer or Dirty Multiclasser.
- This game-breaking bullshit lets you remove PLOT by shouting at it rather than ROLEPLAYING at it.
- All PLOT will be clearly labelled with PLOT in big letters. Probably written in on the NPC's forehead.
- Power has consequences. Expect a ref to incoherently yell curses at you at some point. Take them as I dunno, TRIPLE or SLAY or some shit.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
- When reduced to 0 Hits, you may continue to act as normal for as long as you can maintain an uninterrupted dramatic cry of "NOOOOOOOOOOO!".
Filthy Traumagowner
- You may call RESIST to any calls of DERISION as long as one of your hands is firmly on your forehead